The Famigerate

The taste of salt that streams down your cheeks keeps your heart skipping beats. Rapidly your chest begins to cave in on itself. At first you feel that it’s just the shortness of breath and the tightening of your lungs, then you realize that the hole in your chest where you heart once lay is imploding on itself. Looking down and seeing your rib cage and your life crushing in on yourself is the sad and familiar scenario that you strive to let go. It encapsulates your entire existence in a blanket of love that turns into a straight jacket of self-loathing pain and a justified comfort that you’re all too accepting of. What makes this stop? Who makes you grab yourself and extract you from this life as you know it and save yourself? Most will say you have to do it on your own; but the likeliness of that is slim to none. The Devil that wears Prada holds the key to the heart that has never won. Falling once again into the abyss of everything that hurts, everything made sense ...

Rough night... hopefully I can find the peace to sleep. I doubt it, ghosts haunt me, fear cradles me in order to not allow for peace, lost in my own heart I have nothing left that she hasn't taken, perilous attempts for a love that doesn't love in return, not in the way I desire and need, searching in the crevasses of hell trying to find my path through the valley of death, welcoming it with open arms and free-spirit, Love once again the enemy of the heart, logical the mind tries to make sense of it all... nothing left, the last bead of blood drains from my veins as the sought-after love will never again take this now loveless soul

Light Shining To Me... Plight Not My Enemy Today. Strife Doesn't Plague Me Today. Life Seems Much More Enjoyable Than The Weeks Before. BJS -- 2kXI Dutch

Sands of time drowning me in an empty sea of lies The way she used to look me in the eyes, Wonderment is all that can be Because there is nothing left in me. The darkness between us grows with each passing day Eventually, there will be no recognition of what once lay The smiles and laughter have been replaced Painted smiles drawn upon my face Knowing that this is the only way to keep up my pace. Clutching onto the brach of life that grows from the side of the cliff All I want to know is when I let let go how far is the drop and what if. Streaming wind assaults my body as I fall into a crystal ball of eternity It's a space of which there is no time, no love, no emotion It's perfect blissfulness of not living nor dying, but stuck in between Awake looking for the coins upon my eyes and their bright sheen. The great guide, Charon sets me upon the tour of the Lethe, Eridanos, and Alpheus I find my escort to be hungrily grappling at my soul, taking no riches I come to the convergence...

Sands of time drowning me in an empty sea of lies The way she used to look me in the eyes, Wonderment is all that can be Because there is nothing left in me. The darkness between us grows with each passing day Eventually, there will be no recognition of what once lay The smiles and laughter have been replaced Painted smiles drawn upon my face Knowing that this is the only way to keep up my pace. Clutching onto the branch of life that grows from the side of the cliff All I want to know is when I let let go how far is the drop, and what if. Streaming wind assaults my body as I fall into a crystal ball of eternity It's a space of which there is no time, no love, no emotion It's perfect blissfulness of not living nor dying, but stuck in between Awake looking for the coins upon my eyes and their bright sheen. The great guide, Charon sets me upon the tour of the Lethe, Eridanos, and Alpheus I find my escort to be hungrily grappling at my soul, taking no riches I come to the convergen...

Follow Me... No, I really shouldn't. Follow Me... No, it really wouldn't be prudent. Ahh, c'mon, Follow Me.. Is it gunna hurt? Silly question, Follow Me: True, I guess I should learn to love again. Here we float in a state of bliss, nothing he's ever felt like this... So pure, so true, so everything in you. Follow Me... For why, and where, do we need to go? Follow Me, I've never mislead you in the past. No, you're correct, you've taught me love in it's purest. Now at this time we are at a fork in the road. Don't Follow Me, for we never were... You should have known. BJS -- 2kXI Dutch

Processing the pain is a choice from your conscious mind, not always a choice you're ready for, but at some point, one, or something, must be accountable for all the weary dreams that feel as if they are unsurmountable. Driving shots of adrenaline will always be a part of dealing what's always lying within. To feel alive, sometimes you need to take your self much closer to death, so close you feel the Grim Reaper standing behind you and you feel his breath. You may recognize that you're alive, but why? Why are the best ones to die? Is it a lesson that they can lastly teach, in order for you to always take that extra reach? Your blood pressure pounds the closer you are to death, but it will in fact remind you that you are alive. And there's always something else left in the world worth your strive. After the job is done you're sent home to battle the inner demons and political bureaucracy, and biased views of your peers and your community. How is it that the same com...

Draggin' myself through the bitter-sweet nectar of life. - Feelin' no strife. - Can't find the one I will call wife. - Launching through clouds through the supposed glory of life. - Not quite able to open my eyes My heart is molded to her specification. But yet she leaves it without prediction. No, I don't see it; perhaps I shoulda kept my eyes open all along. I can't feel it, I've lost my inner song. "Rush, Rush hurry lover come to me" That's what she needed to tend her wounds Now I carry the wreckage that lies and coos. There was a space kept in my soul Heavy chested I can't feel it no mo' There's nothing one can do To undo what she did do I'm not tryin' to say this to in efforts to get to you, but once there was a love as true as could be Now it's just a slain pain that cuts right through me Razor sharp that splits the skin A cool beveled blade attempts to reveal what's within A whole nothing all lost because of the v...

My life spins out of control in a cosmic display of a giant nebulae that looks pretty and gorgeous from the outside, but once in the middle of it, it is a spiraling disaster of chaos and misunderstandings. I am not sure of the reasons why this is what is it, but it is what it is. Every single minute can only be alleviated with the raw power of steel on flesh, sheering through the passion of pain gliding the outer epidermis and bringing a sullen calm to the irrational depression which lays within. The chill of the blade caressing through the skin breaking loose the anguish and pain, why is it when I think it goes away it all comes back again? As the moments pass you sit and watch how your new display will play as it rolls down in its crimson trail, leaving the look of a canvass so pale. The warmth of the trickle barely fades you anymore, you yearn for the cold and the edge of the sword. Without a word, and a perhaps maybe only a slight grimace, you return to the cold world that b...

Unfortunate truths are what pulls at my soul; I feel I have no where else to go; I turn to rhymes and lyrics for show, but when it's all said and done.... I welcome you to the wrong side of my gun. Peace, Love and Hate will always be the World's most common debate.

I am naked for the whole world to see. I don't have any secrets, I don't have any lies. It's only me here for judgement, But I've already judged myself, and have found an empty soul. This is me that I present myself for all to see. Trust in no one and hurt won't follow you. Love in everyone and there you will find pureness. I am still looking for her .

Every time we suit up and roll out we roll the dice, at anytime we can die-- Everyday is a ponder or perhaps a wonder of why it was we all don't live in that lie-- Due diligence with save us all, either your Creator, or a lil round ball [bullet reference]-- Locked and loaded is how we shall walk, some will say the same, but did they just talk the walk? Infinitesimal seconds pass, next time it could be your own ass-- Walking through the valley of the shadow of death; Fuck that, I got NODS [Night Vision Reference] I can see the best-- Talk to a soldier current or past; they all know one day it could be their own ass-- No one gets out alive- the demos struggle within us to see the light of day-- It's enough for a seasoned Vet to give up and take it all away-- To a place so ugly and grim, yet these are the fields we play in- some may call it The Valley of Sin-- Welcome home they will say; welcome to the struggle, and gimme a double, and may the demons inside drown away-- ...

Hmm....so how do we refer to ourselves when we have to 'self-reflect'? I for one don't really care to have to agonize my way through such remedial tasks, but alas, there are things that are completely outta my control. Self reflection...I mean seriously, what is it all about? Who is it for? Is it so you can learn yourself better? Or is it so someone who has no care in the world to learn more about you? I would think it's for the individual that is 'self-reflecting'. But doesn't that term on its own cause but a bit of a conundrum? I mean you can never see 'yourself' without the aid of something else..(i.e. whatever you're seeing you reflection in, either be it a person or mirror). It'll always be a biased observation anyhow. Are you gunna let everything out there to hang in the wind just so people can judge their lives according to yours and say, "Wow, and I thought my life was fucked?" Well, my answer is: No. I ...

Every adventure opens a new door. Every door opens a possible new adventure. Knowing when to close that door is the hardest part. The doors that we pass through in our lives are just as complicated as the meaning of life. Why is it we open the doors that we can feel are hot to the touch? I remember when in grammar school we'd have firemen and policemen come to our schools and talk to us about being safe. Policemen would say, "Stay away from strangers and people you don't know well." Firemen would say, "If you touch the doorknob and it's hot don't open it, there's probably a potential for being burned on the other side of the door." Now, as an adult I've seem to have totally forgotten those words of advice. I grab the doorknob, I feel its warmth resinating through the metal. I feel that I am going to potentially get burnt. I open the door anyhow, much to my surprise I don't get burnt right from the start usually. But as the polic...

Stars falling... Fear dropping... Light passes through. Energy wasted... Time useless... Light passes through. Generations lost... Civilizations found... Light passes through. Stamina gained... Lives restrained... Light passes through. Enemies are loathed... Clocks are dusted... Light passes through. Lifeless at the hilt... Bearing no line of sight... Light passes through. ---BJS

"---When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!---" -----Captain Corelli's Mandolin A movie quote worth quoting and responding to. I watch people in their relationships and think, "I am so glad mine isn't as fucked up as their's." But usually, looking deeper ...

I wake up in London, I wake up in Saudi Arabia, Pacific, Mountain, and Central time, lose a day, gain a day. This is my life, and it's ending one minute at a time. I wake up at Baghdad International. If you wake up at a different time and in a different place, could you wake up as a different person? The further I travel, the tinier my world becomes. You see, when you travel, everything is small, self-contained. You get single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. Tiny blanket, disposable pillow. The people I meet on each flight -- they're single-serving friends. Between take-off and landing, we have our time together, but that's all we get. I wake up in Paris. I get out of my seat ...... As I squeeze past the person next to me, do I give them the ass or the crotch? We are defined by the choices we make, the things we buy. You buy furniture. You tell yourself: "This is the last sofa I'll ever need. No matter what else happens, I've got th...

C hasing the memories of what might have been seems to have its appeal as of late. Life determiners at times seem to get away from the scope of reality and join board of the utterly ridiculous. Sure curve balls come our way and we need to adjust as they arrive, but must we alter our lives because of said determiners? Need we bask in the glory of the past to live in our present and our future? Certainly we need to be aware of the states we have crossed in earlier segments of life, but need they be the sole reason to live our future? I have annotated in my past the times when life just wasn't in a neat stockpile. In fact, one could say it was in disarray at best. I knew at those times there was nothing that could be done to cure the disorganization, yet I searched for the ability to change things, and even got so discouraged decided that it wasn't even worth it anymore. Granted most of these issues in my life were relationship-centric topics, but nonetheless ...

S tanding alone looking at the reflection of one I don't recognize anymore T he idleness of the hand traces my features in total confusion O nce a human with a soul, with a conscious L ost in the complexity of complete anguish E mptiness, vastness...completely devoid of any emotion N ever before was there this hole that peers through my heart I mages of truth and virtue weaken the soldier M anaging to get this abandoned body to walk again A nger and disappointment is all that was left of the shell of the person G entle nights with loved ones have been long forgotten E ternal darkness, and destitute is what lays ahead S erenity: forever to be lost in the misfortune of catastrophe. ---BJS

Falling... Dying... Seeing... Being... What's love for? Humiliation? Contemplation? Admiration? Or is it all for a show? Let a lonely soul know before he eats his heart One should know why one must...why one must push Pushin' towards the edge As a lemming.. striving for the ledge.. Living life, tasting death, feeling love course through my veins Fleeting moments Lonely life... heartfelt talks... Cuts like a knife Pushing on....carrying weight Cannot wait Feeling threats No worries...life ends Dramatic for some Poetic for others... ---BJS