Thursday, August 23, 2007

Caught in the Shadow of Darkness

Stars falling...
Fear dropping...
Light passes through.

Energy wasted...
Time useless...
Light passes through.

Generations lost...
Civilizations found...
Light passes through.

Stamina gained...
Lives restrained...
Light passes through.

Enemies are loathed...
Clocks are dusted...
Light passes through.

Lifeless at the hilt...
Bearing no line of sight...
Light passes through.


Love is not breathless nor exciting...sometimes it's seemingly useless

"---When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!---" -----Captain Corelli's Mandolin

A movie quote worth quoting and responding to.

I watch people in their relationships and think, "I am so glad mine isn't as fucked up as their's." But usually, looking deeper into it, my relationships seem to be. The temporary madness of meeting someone is exhilarating and very full of passion. Many times things look similar to both parties and then over time look different to one of them. People grow apart. They get to know the other and then feel all that they said earlier is no longer factual anymore. Many times it seems one grows apart whilst the other is growing closer. This is when heartbreak sets in. One has stop fantasizing about the essence of the other and the other falls further and further into the other's web. "Where did the love go, when did it go wrong, how come I didn't recognize it?" These are often inquired when it becomes apparent to the "loving one" that they are no longer loved.

Then the obvious course of denial sets in and they work so hard to win the admiration and dreams of their togetherness again. They start compromising themselves in hopes to prove their sincerity. Is this a good idea? In theory, yes. But in reality it doesn't usually seem to pan out. Efforts put forth seem to be fruitless, pain and tears are shed. Passion fails. Intimacy evades.

This is all the suffering and agony that we as people put ourselves through just to feel that eventually with someone it'll all turn out right, and because with your partner your roots are so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. It's not a path I've found to be particularly easy, nor even worthwhile at times, but yet I strive to find it.

It's the claimed "I've never been so happy until I met you," falsities; the constant 'starting overs'; the perpetual abyss of insincere truths that are disconcerting. But still we trudge forward willing to endure the above in hopes to find the one which our roots will forever be as one.


Saturday, August 18, 2007

A Great Stolen line from a Movie.

I wake up in London, I wake up in Saudi Arabia, Pacific, Mountain, and Central time, lose a day, gain a day. This is my life, and it's ending one minute at a time. I wake up at Baghdad International. If you wake up at a different time and in a different place, could you wake up as a different person? The further I travel, the tinier my world becomes. You see, when you travel, everything is small, self-contained. You get single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. Tiny blanket, disposable pillow. The people I meet on each flight -- they're single-serving friends. Between take-off and landing, we have our time together, but that's all we get. I wake up in Paris. I get out of my seat ...... As I squeeze past the person next to me, do I give them the ass or the crotch?

We are defined by the choices we make, the things we buy. You buy furniture. You tell yourself: "This is the last sofa I'll ever need. No matter what else happens, I've got the sofa issue handled." Then, the right set of dishes, the right dinette. This is how we fill up our lives. And what about all this designer stuff? Is it essential to our survival in the hunter/gather sense of the word?.....No..... We are consumers; we are by-products of the lifestyle of Obsession. Murder, Crime, Poverty these things dont concern us, what concerns people are celebrity magazines, satellite television with 500 channels, Starbucks, SUVs, Oprah, and some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Alcohol, Ecstasy, and Martha Stewart it's all taking us down man......I say never be content, I say stop being perfect, I say let's evolve,..... let the chips fall where they may. Maybe it''s just me and I could be wrong but its just stuff.....things, and things you own end up owning you. I feel sorry for all the guys packing into gyms, trying to look like what Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger said they should. Self-improvement is masturbation. Today, right now, this is the greatest moment of your life and you're off somewhere, sitting on MySpace, missing it. Wake up! In order to succeed, first you have to know....Not Fear..... But know .....that someday you are going to die. Until you know that, you will be useless..... Because it's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

I myself have ceased to exist. The form you see before you is merely an after image of a memory long since gone. I live in a false reality made up of smoke and mirrors designed to hide the harshness of the world. I live in constant denial that someday I'll wake up and realize that this has all been a revelation..... or nightmare, or perhaps my name is Truman, and unbeknownst to me I live out my days in an episode of some sadistic reality based TV program. Where the audience, sitting at home in their lazy-boy recliners, dictate my daily activities via internet based web polls or 1-800 hotlines. Interactive TV. Too bored with their own lives, they live vicariously through my everyday pains, sorrows and struggles.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Re-evaluating the Hierarchy of States of Mind

Chasing the memories of what might have been seems to have its appeal as of late. Life determiners at times seem to get away from the scope of reality and join board of the utterly ridiculous. Sure curve balls come our way and we need to adjust as they arrive, but must we alter our lives because of said determiners? Need we bask in the glory of the past to live in our present and our future? Certainly we need to be aware of the states we have crossed in earlier segments of life, but need they be the sole reason to live our future?

I have annotated in my past the times when life just wasn't in a neat stockpile. In fact, one could say it was in disarray at best. I knew at those times there was nothing that could be done to cure the disorganization, yet I searched for the ability to change things, and even got so discouraged decided that it wasn't even worth it anymore. Granted most of these issues in my life were relationship-centric topics, but nonetheless they were some pretty crappy times. Coming to grips with reality in most cases is horrible, and any sane human being should avoid it at all possible costs, that's why I self-sedate! Getting back on topic: Reality is there for those that want to see it for what it's worth. If you are simply going to look at it through biased eyes you shouldn't even bother entertaining the idea of wanting to deal with reality. Life's determiners do not stop by at the local gas station and ask for directions to the nearest best-equipped, best-abled sole to handle them. No, in fact they prey on the meak and feeble, they need people who are incapable to defend themselves against them. So why is it we as a species constantly try to invite the determiners into our lives? We need not the drama; yet we thrive on the disappointments and the disbeliefs that we endure. Is it because we are simply mortals only programmed to do the wrong thing most of the time when it comes to living easier more productive lives? Or is it because we are self-defeatus? We are codependant upon self destruction perhaps. I have nary the answers, that's for sure, and it's been proven many times over.

Life has given me so many opportunities to be correctly responsive, and a few times I have heeded the advice of others and I was rewarded with wisdom and knowlegde that I, being too close to the issue, could not see for what it was. Unfortunately, I have only done it this way a handful of times. Most of the time I deal with these conundrums simply by "doing my own thing because I know best" and in the long run (which I inherantly knew all along was the wrong way) I am looking down a long cold lonely path to the darkness of solitude and instability. Life deems itself unworthy in these times, life seems meaningless, unimportant; and perhaps it is to the commoner. However, someone, somewhere, cares about your decisions. It would be best if these people were there 100% of the time, but that's unreasonable. So, what is it that we do? I suggest we learn to trust those that we say we trust and really give those persons in your life the opportunity to do what they were intended to do: To help you in times of need. Find your friends and your lover and let them know constantly that you appreciate them in your life and that they are trusted, see where it takes you... Find yourself on the beach listening to the waves crashing against the break and slip into your quan. Perhaps the ocean isn't your gig, just find your place o' zen and embrace it and clear your head often, so that when life starts arbitrarily divvying out these fun lil' determiners you're a better equipped sole to manage them. But if you paid attention to what I've been saying, I earlier stated that determiners don't tend to manifest themselves on the well-equipped person; hence a reason to constantly take time out for yourself and let those whom you trust actionably love you. These are just a few of my uncontrollable, no-sense-making ramblings....until next time...


Stolen Images

Standing alone looking at the reflection of one I don't recognize anymore
The idleness of the hand traces my features in total confusion
Once a human with a soul, with a conscious
Lost in the complexity of complete anguish
Emptiness, vastness...completely devoid of any emotion
Never before was there this hole that peers through my heart

Images of truth and virtue weaken the soldier
Managing to get this abandoned body to walk again
Anger and disappointment is all that was left of the shell of the person
Gentle nights with loved ones have been long forgotten
Eternal darkness, and destitute is what lays ahead
Serenity: forever to be lost in the misfortune of catastrophe.


Any Idea What Life's For?

What's love for?
Or is it all for a show?
Let a lonely soul know before he eats his heart
One should know why one must...why one must push
Pushin' towards the edge
As a lemming.. striving for the ledge..
Living life, tasting death, feeling love course through my veins
Fleeting moments
Lonely life... heartfelt talks...
Cuts like a knife
Pushing on....carrying weight
Cannot wait
Feeling threats
No ends
Dramatic for some
Poetic for others...


I just don't know anymore

I just want to yell to the world, "Fuck you!"

I just want to yell to myself, "Fuck you!"

I just want to yell at others, "Fuck you!"

Sadness and unhappiness seems to follow me wherever I go. I can't seem to shake its tail. I am getting fully saturated with the idea of thinking life is unhappy, yet it keeps following me like a shadow. It's seems to be in my every step, around every corner I turn. It seems to particularly like my company, unfortunately, I don't dig it so much. I've been trained in evasive maneuvers, I've been trained to confront unhappiness and kill it with kindness. Why is it so resilient to my antics and ways of avoiding it? Certainly, there are those out there that don't mind its company. I'm not one of them. I say say, "Piss on unhappiness, and its ways." However, it doesn't seem to care what I think or say.

Perhaps things will shed a new light of darkness on me soon. Perhaps it won't. I sure as shit don't know nor have the answers. Maybe Creed said it best when they said, "What's this life for...?"